Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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