And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
