Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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