I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
