Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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