so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
