I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
