He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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