somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
