Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
