i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
