Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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