I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
