She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
