Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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