I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
