Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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