I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
