My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
