I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
