I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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