peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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