The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
