I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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