You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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