dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
