There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
