Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
