Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
