I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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