you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
