You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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