i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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