i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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