Someone shit on the floor
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
