I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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