awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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