with your own penis?
You're completely useless in the revolution.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
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