Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
