Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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