I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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