I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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