Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
