Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
