I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm both gender and math confused
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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