My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
