So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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