I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
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you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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