So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
