i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
