Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
