well I can't set my house on fire every night
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
