using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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