a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
