there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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