I accidentally had phone sex last night
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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