this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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