Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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