So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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