It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
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I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
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When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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